I was speaking with a new client the other day; meeting her for the first time over video from my perch at my desk—my desk in my kitchen. And no, that’s not a pandemic space-sharing move. Since Craig and I started 3COze almost five years ago, my desk has been in my kitchen. We live in a small house in downtown Toronto and space is at a premium. There’s no room for Craig or me to have offices, so we have spaces instead. Mine just happens to be a ten-foot stretch of the kitchen wall.
So, when I got on the call with this potential client, over my right shoulder she could see a few dirty dishes from a quick morning interlude of bread baking. Over my left shoulder was my ever-present bunch of bananas. Side note: If you and I ever do a call or you see me doing a webcast, look for them. Our family eats a ridiculous number of bananas, so if you see me after shopping day, there are north of twenty bananas, all with their stems wrapped tightly in plastic wrap to keep them yellow for longer. It’s become a running joke for clients and friends to tell me when I need to put bananas on the shopping list, or to remark that they’re looking a little brown and it’s time to make banana bread.
It got me thinking. I’m trying to convince this woman that I would be a good keynote speaker for their virtual leadership summit. I’m attempting to ooze credibility and to demonstrate that I can be trusted with their fifty top leaders. And while I did shower and opt for a sweater instead of a hoodie (i.e., changed from business casual to business formal on my pandemic fashion continuum), I didn’t put gunk in my hair or makeup on my face. I haven’t done either of those things since March 10th.
As far as I can tell, it didn’t hurt my chances of winning the work. Actually, I think it helped us create a stronger connection, faster. Afterall, they want someone to talk about leadership, and influence, and conflict and to tailor it to the current kooky context. I was just showing her that I’ve got kooky context covered!
I have to say, I like it. I really like it.
To be fair, this scenario probably plays to my strengths. I’ve always been the type to be transparent and candid about my life. I help teams work through really raw and intimate conflicts, so modeling that it’s ok not to be at your best is part of my gig. This isn’t all that strange for me.
But it sure is for many people! Is it for you?
Seeing People as Whole Humans
I’m facilitating a corporate strategy project for a Fortune 500 high tech company at the moment. The entire process, dozens of meetings are happening over Skype. The participants are mostly men in their forties and fifties—engineers, MBAs. They all have top tier status on the airlines, and I suspect many of these people sleep in hotels as much as in their own beds. They go hard.
When the project started, about half of the team left their webcams off during meetings. But a month in, the positive peer pressure is kicking in and they’re turning on the cameras. It’s amazing. I’m coming to know them as whole humans. I bet they’re even getting to know one another better, even after working together for years. We can see the art they have on the walls (one team member has four beautiful guitars on the wall and I’m still waiting for an impromptu concert). We can see and hear kids in the background. From their volume level, we can guess how old the kids are and get a sense of what that means for the person’s efforts to be productive and to parent at the same time. I feel for them. (Several times during this self-isolation I have said a silent thank you to the universe that my kids are 18 and 14 and for the most part, self-sufficient and quiet.)
Of course, the other scenario happens too. Someone turns on the webcam and you see that they’re alone, six weeks in to having absolutely no human contact. No one to touch or hug or hold. You suddenly understand why they are churning out so much work—it’s a distraction from the silence for them. I ache for them too.
And that’s kinda’ the point. I am feeling for people as whole humans. It’s so much easier to empathize with people at the moment. Ironically, while the images of people are now two-dimensional, our understanding of each other is more three dimensional.
It’s completely normal to start off a conversation with “how’s it going today?” And now everyone knows that you mean it. Where are you at? How heavy is the burden today? Which spot are you at on the roller coaster—are you having a pretty good day ticking slowly, slowly higher…or was that yesterday and today the uphill has ended and you’re plummeting over the other side?
Yep, I get it. There are bad days. Really bad days.
In a recent Zoom call with a bunch of colleagues, I could see, even in the tiny Brady Bunch box, that one of my friends didn’t have her normal 100-Watt smile on. I used the chat function to send her a private message and learned that her boyfriend had broken up with her. We arranged a private call and it felt so good to just be there, to just say, “that sucks!” I’ve never spoken with her about her personal life before, but now it just seems so obvious that when I’m having a good day, I have an obligation to care for my colleagues who aren’t. We ended the call by arranging to have another discussion about a bunch of work issues. Because we can help each other there too. Our connection is strengthened.
What are you learning about your colleagues during this crisis? How has seeing into their homes changed how you think about them? How has being seen in your sanctum affected others’ perceptions of you, or what you’re projecting? What do you like about it? What do you find difficult? Let me know. I’m so glad you and I have this chance to get to know one another better, too.
Lianne, funny that 7 weeks into teams having virtual meetings that there still are those uncomfortable with the camera on. I facilitated a team coaching session last week, and the first ask was to turn cameras on… and not only did my screen lighten up as they turned on top to bottom – but the faces of the participants did the same. It so much made the meeting even more effective!
Hi Dean, thanks for joining the conversation. I agree, even the folks who at first don’t want to turn on the camera (probably because they aren’t keen on being seen) enjoy when others do. Let’s keep up the positive peer pressure!
I feel more connected to my team when we turn on our video for meetings! Also, I am more focused as I’m not tempted to check that new chat or email on my 2nd screen or phone and it’s an opportunity to practice not touching my face!
Hi Adine, it’s true, turning the meeting on is really good for keeping you accountable to the task at hand!
Love your columns! I do think that turning the camera on adds to stress though – for example a kid is acting in an unsafe manner and you must intervene – if the camera was off it is pretty simple – just get up and carry lap top. When on camera it is so much more stressful. Particularly when a kid is having an off day and a few interventions might be necessary.
I also feel like the additional stress (particularly on women) to look a certain way – for example make up and hair done etc. could be a factor here. I notice most folks with families keep the call on mute for example, unless they are speaking – whereas my cool as cucumber colleagues who live alone and seem very civilized with their mug of coffee, and nicely appointed work areas, seem to be just fine not having to navigate that. In fact, someone on a recent call (who does not live with kids or pets or grandparents) critiqued a senior leader who keeps “forgetting to take herself off mute”.
So it Seems like another layer of potential judgment as well as connection. I don’t disagree with you on the connection part though, of course.
Thanks for all the food for thought and wonderful insights!
Liza, that’s a really great perspective to add. If you’re not confident about what’s going to happen in your environment, it’s easier to leave the camera off. For my part, I’d rather the person left the camera on and gave me the option to say… “hey, you’ve got more important things to manage…call me back in a few minutes.” I completely agree with you that it wouldn’t work with everyone. Thanks for joining the conversation and reminding us that camera on is more complicated for some than others.
Thank you for this. I’ve worked with most of my team for quite some time. Interestingly, I’ve never felt closer to them. Maybe it is getting a glimpse of their home life or constantly being on a video call, where in the office you might just pick up the phone. Or maybe it’s this crazy space we’re all in, i don’t know. But you’re right, there is a sharing and/or caring that didn’t seem to happen before. It’s possible that I’m just more aware of things around me because the distractions are different. BTW, sweats are great and comfortable but there are days I miss my makeup and heels…..
Dionne, it’s probably a combination of those factors, but regardless of exactly what’s causing it, it sure is nice to feel a little more connected to the people we work with. As for makeup and heels… I’m sure I’ll miss them at some point…strangely, that point hasn’t arrived! All the best!
Laine- Thanks for writing this- its a great reminder of using “AND” more often then we do in our lives. Also, an acceptance of our whole selves rather than fragments of a person who is different at work and at home. I wrote a piece sometime back on linkedin- https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/covid-19-its-impact-renu-goyal; which is about the gender differences and importance of showing up. I had my personal courage moment when last week I had to attend a Zoom meeting with a roomful of friends and strangers while one of my eye was swollen shut due to a stye. I just decided to show up and I do realise that’s its a lot of do with self acceptance as well. I do hope people will read your blog and decide to show up and in the process become more accepting of self as well as others…
Hi Renu, welcome to our community and thank you so much for joining in the conversation! I enjoyed reading your LinkedIn article. As for your story of going on camera with a swollen eye…hooray! It’s so refreshing to hear about people willing to be seen as their full selves, even when that means sharing that we are less than perfect inside or out!
Liane- thank you for your kind comments. I am looking forward to staying in touch! You comment remind me to ask myself- Who decides what is perfect? 🙂
Liane – Its amazing to also share that the bonds got stronger with the lockdown scenario by just knowing more of your colleagues, their lives and personal spaces. It does make you more compassionate and also start trusting people as a wholesome human. Its not just the professional aspect we wish to associated to, but to the person as a whole. Good luck to your ventures and shall look forward to your writings.
Hi Prashant, thank you for joining the conversation! I’m so glad you’re enjoying stronger bonds by getting to know your colleagues more personally. It is certainly one upside of a very challenging time!